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In April 1998, Gary produced a radio play about the Clinton-Starr-Lewinsky scandal.
A portion of the script is presented below.


And now, an excerpt of...

Elvis & Lady MacBeth at the Heartbreak Hotel

or

White Studies Class, 101

or

Average Joe's Cafe

A Radio Play

by Gary Gordon

©1998

 

SFX: Harmonica

Blues Singer One: I've got the Blues News so bad.

Blues Singer Two: Have you go the Blues News so bad?

Blues Singer One: Oh the Blues News is really bringin' me down.

Blues Singer Two: Down, down, down, down.

Blues Singer One: Down, down, down, down.

Blues Singer Two: Was it the story 'bout Indonesia?

Blues Singer One: Oh yeah.

Blues Singer Two: Was it the story 'bout China?

Blues Singer One: Oh yeah.

Blues Singer Two: Was it the story 'bout so-called Social Security reform?

Blues Singer One: Oh yeah.

Blues Singer Two: Was it the story 'bout Gingrich promoting his new book?

Blues Singer One: Oh yeah... I got the Blues News so bad.

SFX: Harmonica

SFX: Rock n Roll saxophone

Masterpiece Theatre Host: Welcome once again to another evening of Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, the classic Steven Spielberg play, Elvis and Lady MacBeth at the Heartbreak Hotel--

Lady MacBeth: Out, out, damn spot!

Elvis: Uh, try some RC Cola, hon.

SFX: Sax out, abruptly

Academic Critic: Many people have contended that Elvis never spent the night with Lady MacBeth, but the DNA reports of the semen on her dress prove conclusively--

SFX: Jazz clarinet

Woody Allen: I-- I'm just going to say this once: I did not have sexual relations with that woman... Miss Lewinsky. And I never asked anyone to lie--

SFX: Clarinet out, abruptly

SFX: Theme

Producer: Cue Narrator.

Narrator: Day One... At the end of a Century known as the 20th Century, in the Year of Our Lord 1998, if your lord happens to be Jesus Christ, there appeared in the sky a question of profound philosophical and legal ramifications-- well, it didn't literally appear in the sky, but as long as we're using the Bible as the basis for our major moral values, it seems appropriate to use the literary device often used in the Bible--

Producer: No, no, no! What the hell are all these ad-libs and qualifications? Look. We did this tease thing juxtaposing Spielberg with MacBeth with PBS television with Elvis; we used the word semen just to titillate everyone, and we threw in Woody Allen 'cause there's all this talk about older men with younger women--

Chorus (sings): She's only twenty-four!... Twenty-one at the time!

Producer: Not yet. Later.

Chorus (sings): We thought it was now. Sorry.

Producer: Friggin' Greek chorus. Who invented that? Anyway, look, the point is, you're the Narrator. Now this is--

SFX: Loud knocking.

Policeman: Sex Police! Open up!

SFX: Door opens

Policeman: Are you having sex? What kind? With whom? What is the nature of your relationship? Was it anal? Do you own land in Arkansas? Is groping--

Producer: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You belong in the movie ad, later.

SFX: Door closes

Producer: You know, if people don't follow the script, there'll be anarchy!

SFX: TV Click

SFX: Heavy PSA music

PSA Announcer: Anarchy strikes without warning. Every day one million Americans are afflicted with this disfiguring disease. But now there is a cure. From the makers of Official History comes a new time release easy to swallow pill: Party Line.

SFX: TV Click

SFX: Nightline theme

Pundit #1: Ted, in Watergate, the President lied and asked for Executive Privilege. In this scandal the Actual President lied and has asked for Executive Privilege. It's the same scandal. It's time for him to step down. Besides, it's our turn.

Pundit #2: Ted, he's wrong. Nixon and his men--

Koppel: So what's your point?

Pundit #2: I didn't get to make my--

Pundit #1: It's the same scandal, it's our turn.

Koppel: Executive Privilege. What causes it? Is there a cure? We'll be back, after this...

SFX: TV Click

Producer: Enough Ted Koppel. Where was-- Here... Look, Narrator, here we are on page four and we haven't even started. Now this is a ridiculously complicated story. You got blowjobs, you got Saddam Hussein, you got blockbuster movies, you got Native American origin myths--

Narrator: Native American origin myths?

Producer: We'll get to that later. Okay, where was I? You got blowjobs, Saddam Hussein--

Narrator: Weapons of mass destruction?

Producer: Yes, absolutely! Weapons of mass destruction. Of course. And blockbuster movies, Native American origin myths, young interns--

Chorus (sings): She's only twenty-four!... Twenty-one at the time!

Producer: NOT NOW!

Chorus (sings, dispirited): O-kay.

Producer: Anyway, as the Narrator, you're supposed to provide a foundation so people will understand this complicated epic. You know, saying things like: Once Upon A Time

Narrator: Once upon a time?

Producer: Like it's the beginning of the story.

Narrator: Is it?

Producer: Is it what?

Narrator: The beginning of the story.

Producer: What, does everything have to accurate? Pretend!

Narrator: Okay... So I could say "In the beginning," like the Bible?

Producer: Forget the Bible!

SFX: Thunderclap

SFX: Spooky rainstorm horror music.

SFX: Thunderclap, rain

Narrator: Our story begins on a dark night. The rain is unseasonably heavy due to the weather pattern known as El Nino. A large woman in a trenchcoat, looking like a bloated Penny Marshal on steroids, makes her way to an attorney's office.

SFX: Walking on concrete

Narrator: Clutched to her bosom beneath her raincoat is a tape. A tape that could bring down a Presidency... Did you like that? I got bosom in.

Producer: Yeah. Bosom. That was good. Now, say the "meanwhile" thing.

Narrator: Oh, yeah, right... Meanwhile, on the other side of the world...

SFX: Knocking on door

Inspector: Hello? Hello?

Iraqi Woman: Who is it?

Inspector: It's the U.N., ma'am. We've come to inspect your house for chemical weapons.

Iraqi Woman: There are no weapons here.

Inspector: Well, we know that, ma'am, but we're not allowed to inspect the places where the weapons really are, so if we could just come in and look around.

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, which, if you're paying attention, is back on this side of the world...

SFX: Nightline theme

Koppel: This... is Ted Koppel... Tonight, blowjobs or oral sex, what should we say and not say on television? My guests are Laura Ingraham...

Ingraham: Ted, this is not about sex, it's about obstruction of justice.

Koppel: Arianna Huffington...

Huffington: Ted, this is about who's buried in Arlington.

Koppel: The Unknown Soldier...

Unknown Soldier: Ted, it's about sex.

SFX: Digging dirt

SFX: Trumpet playing Taps

Average Joe: I'm just an average Joe. I get up in the morning, drink some coffee, eat some toast, read the sports section, drive to work. I dig graves, here at Arlington. All this stuff about the Actual President and sex, whether or not he exposed himself or had an affair or groped somebody, I don't know and I don't care. Me an' the wife did it last night, but I'm not goin' into details. All I care is that the Actual President is lookin' out for me, lookin' out for my country. An' I'll tell you, since he's been the Actual President, I don't bury many bodies here anymore, an' that's a good thing.

Political Ad Announcer: Less people are buried at Arlington than ever before. Never mind who they are. Vote Democratic in '98.

 

SFX: Fluttering of Projector

SFX: Historical Film Clip Music

SFX: Sirens & Machine Guns Bed

Film Narrator: History of Prosecution. From those brave men who framed Sacco and Vanzetti to the men who assembled the dubious cases against the Hollywood Ten, from the men who tracked down the Rosenbergs, who infiltrated the anti-American organizations like Students For A Democratic Society, the Vietnam Veterans Against The War and the Fair Play For Cuba Committee, to the men who mistakenly jailed Jimmy Hoffa, from the great John "No Knock" Mitchell, from the Plumbers who tried to stop illegal leaks of secret documents by illegally breaking into office buildings and planning to firebomb--

SFX: CNN-type Special Town Meeting Music

George Bernard Shaw: Good afternoon, I'm George Bernard Shaw, and this is CNN's Town Meeting Fiasco On Iraq. With me, Henry Kissinger. Mr. Kissinger, is it true that the United States and Iraq are two great cultures separated by a different language, climate, history, culture, raison d'etre, diet, geography--

Kissinger: First, Mr. Shaw, I would like to be longwinded as I thank you for this opportunity to elucidate my one hundred and seventy-three point program for how to fix our Foreign Policy-- Number One, restore to the Presidency the power to assassinate foreign leaders who are enemies of the nation--

SFX: William Tell Overture/Lone Ranger Theme

Chief Prosecutor: The Prosecutor. You men and women are now a part of this special fraternity. You will be bullied, attacked, maligned; your names will be dragged through the mud.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a moral decline in this country and that decline must be stopped. The word Blowjob must never be heard on network television ever again! You new prosecutors are in the front lines of this apocalyptic battle. I welcome you to this moral crusade. Pick up your copies of Bill Bennett's book Virtue Is Our Virtue and your office assignments on the way out... Tonto, front and center.

Tonto: Yes sir?

Chief Prosecutor: I've got a special assignment for you.

Tonto: Yes sir?

Chief Prosecutor: There's something going on here that's larger than just this case against the Actual President. That's your assignment. Find out what it is. The truth. You'll report directly to me. Use the code name XF11.

Tonto: I'm not sure I understand.

Chief Prosecutor: That's a good place to start. I know you'll make us proud.

SFX: Music out

Narrator: This is already getting confusing and it's barely started.

Producer: Just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait.

Narrator: Huh? A My Fair Lady reference? I don't--

Kissinger: Number Two: Place all power in the hands of the Secretary of State, providing I am the Secretary of State.

Narrator: Is he going to keep doing that?

SFX: Jerry Springer theme

SFX: Fighting, shouting, commotion, crashing of furniture

Jerry Springer: Good evening. Our show tonight: Interns who give blowjobs to their boss.

SFX: Theme

Narrator: Day Two... Now it came to pass that within the village there lived a young man who had grown up without parents; they had been killed in a horrible accident. So the boy, an orphan, was raised by a Television set, who took him in and taught him everything he needed to know to make his way in the world... I don't understand this.

Producer: Nevermind. It's some kind of literary metaphorical subtext. We'll probably edit it out.

SFX: Shakespearean-Age Music

Elvis: Uh, Lady MacBeth? Are you here? Are you lonely tonight? I got your note. I'm really pleased you enjoyed the show. I'm here, like you asked. You know, I always got women wantin' to be with me, 'cause my power an' all. Oh, there you are.

Lady MacBeth: Elvis. Elvis, will you always love me? Always and forever? Forever and ever... and ever... and ever?

Elvis: I will love you for as long as the grass grows and the rivers flow--

American Indian #2: Hnnn, I've heard that one before.

American Indian: Shhh, I'm trying to watch the movie.

American Indian #2: Why are we watching this movie?

American Indian: It's for my White Studies class. Now shhhh!

Elvis: I will love you until Great Birnam Wood meets Dunsinane Hill--

American Indian: See? That's a reference. To Shakespeare.

Lady MacBeth: Yes, but Elvis, will you love me forever? I want a love that is pure, like the love of the young couple on the Titanic.

Elvis: Uh, gee, I dunno Lady MacBeth. That was a very pure love. I mean, if you must know, what I had in mind was a blow-job. Uh, I don't think they had a blow-job in the movie.

SFX: Hail To The Chief music

Actual President: I love Elvis movies. (sings) Viva Las Vegas.

SFX: Knock on door; door opens

Presidential Aide: Mr. President, San Francisco is planning to oppose us on the medical marijuana-- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you during your blowjob.

Actual President: I'm watching a movie.

First Lady (mumbling, as if something is in her mouth): We're watching a movie.

SFX: Native American music

American Indian #2: I don't understand. Are we watching a movie about Elvis and Lady MacBeth, or are we watching a movie about The Actual President and First Lady watching a movie about Elvis and Lady MacBeth?

American Indian: Neither. This is the story of a young man named Tonto, a prosecutor assigned to get at the truth.

American Indian #2: Truth?

American Indian: Yes. Truth. Some people believe the truth is out there.

SFX: X Files music

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